It’s baby loss awareness week this week and on October 15 at 7pm people around the world will be lighting a candle to create a wave of light in memory of babies who have died too soon.

I know and have read many stories of women who have lost their babies through miscarriage but today I wanted to take a moment to share my own experience.

E was 19 months old when hubby and I decided we were ready to start trying for baby number 2 and by the time January came around I was pregnant! I couldn’t quite believe how quickly it happened. This time, my sense of smell was massively heightened and I experienced a hunger I’d never known before and my back ached all the time.

We were so happy, E was going to be a big brother to a new baby brother or sister in September 2012.

Life continued as normal – pregnancy second time round was different. Gone were the days of being able to take yourself off to bed when you felt like it. No, this time, I had a toddler to look after as well as work to contend with.

I was at work when it started…I went to the toilet and saw a pink tinge of blood. I told myself not to panic but I couldn’t stop going to toilet to check and each time it was darker. I don’t remember how I got through the rest of the day at work. I got home and the bleeding was worse. I’d read that some bleeding in pregnancy was common so kept holding onto that thought. Pregnancy tests were still showing positive but I think deep down in my heart I just knew….

We ended up in A&E that night as the bleeding and cramps got worse. There wasn’t much they could do, they took a pregnancy test which still showed positive and booked me in for an ultrasound for the following afternoon. So many thoughts were running through my head that night and I dreaded every time I had to go to the toilet.

I worked from home the next day as I couldn’t face going into the office but still needed to somehow keep myself busy until the ultrasound in the afternoon. I picked E up from the childminders early and met Mr H at the hospital and waited in EPU.

I didn’t get to see the consultant in time…. I needed to go to the toilet again and this time, I passed the foetal sac. I had an ultrasound after to confirm that it was a natural miscarriage.

I will never forget the date – February 14th, 2012. Happy Valentines Day to us – what great timing. Mr H and I were devastated…the little baby we had growing in my tummy was gone. It may have been early days (I was 7 weeks) but it didn’t make it any less painful.

I felt drained and tired the rest of that week  and I slept a lot, my body seemed to need it.

I blamed myself. I shouldn’t have had those hot baths for my sore back – I shouldn’t have done this or that and if I hadn’t *this* wouldn’t have happened….

I had to return to hospital for a couple of blood tests that week so they could check to see the hCG levels were dropping back down significantly now I was no longer pregnant. I remember driving through Richmond Park after my appointment because I didn’t want to go home to an empty house (hubby had gone back to work and E was at the childminder) “Take a look at me now” by Phil Collins came on the radio and I just broke down and cried.

So take a look at me now
Well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

Flowers were delivered from work and that also set me off again, I had to cancel my maternity exemption card and my booking in appointment. I flitted between trying to keep myself busy and sleeping. My emotions were all over the place. I kept trying to reason with myself – there were worse things happening in the world I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and sad about our loss.

The day I returned to work, I unexpectedly received a scan photo from my cousin, she was expecting – due in September. Again, talk about timing! Of course I was happy for her but she didn’t know what had happened to me and I felt it unfair to tell her what I had just gone through.

I focused on E and reminded myself how lucky I was to have him. There are so many of us out there that can’t conceive so how could I be upset with what had happened? 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage – I, unfortunately was part of that statistic now.

I still think about my loss – it’s something that will always be a part of me and something we will never forget.

Every time that Phil Collin’s song comes on the radio I am instantly transported back to Richmond Park and Valentines Day has never been the same since.

We need to talk about babyloss. Please join me in lighting a candle tonight in remembrance of all those babies out there that left us too soon….

Related posts:

Do you know what to expect from your 20-week scan? An unexpected delivery: My Caesarean story Week 1 of the summer holidays has already broken me Heart Week 2017 and how you can help babies with heart conditions